Cordial Deconstruction

Observations from our shared single objective reality in a materialistic, naturalistic, & macro-deterministic universe.

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Archive for the ‘Deadpan’ Category

Scientific Support for Increased Risk of Iocaine Poisoning

Posted by Karl Withakay on December 2, 2009

The science is in: I have just learned from PalMD, that there is a possible mechanism for Zicam causing anosmia.

Seeing as there is now scientific support for an increased risk of Iocaine poisoning for users of Zicam, the sale and use of this product should be stopped immediately, especially in Australia or for people going up against Sicilians when death is on the line.

Posted in Deadpan, Followup, Humor, Medicine / Health | Leave a Comment »

Attention Women Seeking Men On Line:

Posted by Karl Withakay on October 19, 2009

If you are a woman looking for a man on an online dating service like Match or EHarmony, here’s a few words of advice on crafting your profile.  This list applies specifically to things that catch my eye or turn me away, but I think it probably applies just as well to a good portion of the guys out there on the services.

Things to Mention to Generate Interest.

-You like watching movies and TV, especially Sci-Fi, horror, and action flicks.
-You like playing video games, especially Xbox360.  (Mentioning the Wii will only get you half credit.)
-You like watching sports.
-You enjoy a good drink now and then.
-You’re OK with sometimes staying at home and watching a video instead of  going out.

Things that will cause guys to look at your profile and pictures, but might not generate as many contacts as you think they will.

-Mentioning you’re bisexual.
-Saying you’re sexually adventuresome.
-Talking about how big your boobs are.
-Mentioning that you’re not looking for a serious or long term relationship.  Hint, if he’s looking on Match or EHarmony, he probably is looking for a long term relationship, and not scared off by a woman who says she’s looking for the same .  (OKCupid is another story.)

Things that will cause a guy to loose interest instantly.

-Mentioning that your divorce is not yet final.
-Mentioning health problems.
-Mentioning that you’re broke or don’t have enough money to complete school.
-Mentioning how fervently religious you are and how important God is in your life.  (Why are you even winking at me; did you just look at my picture without reading my profile?)

Things that will have no impact whatsoever.

-Saying you are funny, sarcastic, optimistic, intelligent caring, and interested in having fun or are interested in a match that is funny, sarcastic, optimistic, intelligent, caring, and interested in having fun.
-Saying you are looking for someone who is confident and knows what they want in life.

OK, now that we’ve established you are exactly the same as everyone else on Match and EHarmony, how about saying something to differentiate yourself? (Has anyone ever said they had no sense of humor and were a pessimist, stupid, indifferent or cruel, and hated having fun when looking for a match?)

Other things to keep in mind

Don’t mention anything you don’t like unless it’s a deal breaker.  He’s probably got dozens of matches that have been delivered to him, and he’s looking for anything to use to shrink the list to a more manageable size.

Right or wrong, this is the way I translate the answers to the question, “Do you want children?” on Match.

Definitely:

Yes, as soon as possible; I’m baby desperate.

Someday:

Yes, when the time is right.

Note sure:

Maybe, (Likely leaning towards
yes, but it’s a big choice, and wants to make sure the situation is right.

Probably not:

No, but I don’t want to look
like a child hater.

No, but it’s OK if my partner
has kids:

Lots of different potential
meanings to this one that all boil down to, “Read my lips, No new
children in our lives.”

No, I don’t want kids:

Straight forward and self
explanatory

(This table came out a little weird, but I know about jack squat about HTML, and reversed-engineered a table as best as I could.)

That is all for now.

Posted in Deadpan, Humor, Internet, Online Dating, Thoughtful/Random Observation | 1 Comment »

Peter Anspach: A Modern Machiavelli?

Posted by Karl Withakay on September 21, 2009

If you are not familiar with the Evil Overlord List, I encourage you to check it out.  It’s basically a list of all the mistakes made by evil rulers in the movies and on television that lead to their downfall, presented as a what to do/ not to do list.

It struck out of the blue this past weekend that this list is essentially a modern version of Niccolò Machiavelli’s The Prince.   The Prince is basically a practical treatise on how a prince might gain and keep power including what pitfalls to avoid and what actions to take, and this is exactly what the Evil Overlord List is.

Link to a simpler summary of The Prince

Both works espouse rule by force rather than law, both dispassionately advocate  cold and ruthless actions to keep and maintain power, as well as offering advice on on what actions to avoid.  Both offer advice as to the types of forces used to seize and maintain power, how to fortify strongholds, what to look for in henchmen/advisers/ministers, etc.

I just wanted to share this insight on these two greats works regarding maintaining power.  That is all.

Posted in Deadpan, History, Humor, Internet, Literature, Thoughtful/Random Observation | 1 Comment »

World marks 40th anniversary of NASA screwing it up for everbody else.

Posted by Karl Withakay on July 20, 2009

Today is the 40th anniversary of the day NASA set an unreasonably high benchmark for every other human effort by successfully landing two men on the moon and returning them back to the Earth 4 days later alive and well.  Ever since then scientists, engineers, and other people in all walks of life have had to deal with an unreasonably high benchmark for human achievement, frequently having listen to others complain, “How come we can put a man on the moon, but we can’t have a VCR or microwave clock that won’t loose the time when the power goes out?”

One can only guess that Neil Armstrong must regret his involvement in the mission as he’s probably never been able to get out of a single household chore since the day he landed, likely having had to listen to his wife say “You mean to tell me you can land on the moon and come back, but you can’t go to the store and pick up some groceries or do a simple job like cleaning the gutters?” on more than one occasion.

NASA, to its credit, has attempted to rectify the situation on several occasions.  However, one of the first major attempts to rectify the situation was an uncategorical failure.  NASA seemed to have reduced everyone’s expectations by incorrectly grinding the main mirror for the Hubble Space Telescope, but then screwed it up by ingenuously fixing the telescope in space, setting the expectation that any failure, no matter how big, could now be turned into a stunning success.

NASA is now of victim of its own success and further pathetic attempts to rectify the situation, such as incorrectly mixing English and metric units on the Mars Climate Orbiter mission have failed to reduce expectations set by the “Apollo Standard”, and have actually subjected NASA itself to criticisms such as, “How come NASA can put a man on the moon, but they can’t figure out the metric system?”

One can only hope that the inevitable first mission to Mars will take a colossal wrong turn and end up on the strip in downtown Las Vegas instead of Mars.

Seriously, though, the Apollo program was (in my opinion) one of the top three achievements in the history of space exploration, which are,  (in no particular order)  Apollo, Voyager, and the Hubble.

If you want an actual Apollo related Deconstruction, I don’t stand a chance of doing it as well as Phil Plait has done over at the Bad Astronomy site.

(This blog post is partly inspired by a Jerry Seinfeld stand up routine.)

Posted in Deadpan, Humor, Science, Space | 1 Comment »

America’s Most Endangered Malls

Posted by Karl Withakay on June 29, 2009

This being the off season for TV, I’m having a hard time finding many jucy targets that I want to deconstruct.

So, just so I have something to post, I’ll mention this Yahoo article on America’s Most Endangered Malls that caught my interest.

I read the whole article and was surprised to find no mention of the mall in Willamette, Colorado anywhere.  I thought for sure that between the current recession and the 2006 outbreak that it would be on its last legs, but I guess there’s not many other places to shop in Willamette.

Maybe in a couple of years, yahoo will have a followup article on America’s most endangered casinos.

That is all.  :)

Posted in Deadpan, Humor, Yahoo Features | 2 Comments »

Zicam Increases Risk of Iocaine Poisoning!

Posted by Karl Withakay on June 18, 2009

The FDA has issued a warning that using Zicam can lead to anosmia, which is a loss of the sense of smell.  Many bloggers in the blogosphere (pretty much most of the sites in my Daily Sites links) have covered this already, but they have all ignored the most serious potential risk of anosmi from taking Zicam: Iocaine Powder poisoning

As we all know, the best way to detect Iocaine Powder is from its lack of scent, but if you can’t smell anything at all, how will you know if something doesn’t have a scent (or has no added scent) since everything lacks a scent to you?

Of course the Iocaine poisoning risk would be greatest for people in Australia and people going up against Sicilians when death is on the line.

Rumor has it that land wars in Asia will be unaffected.

I felt that this risk needed to be brought to people’s attention.

That is all.  :)

Posted in Deadpan, Humor, Medicine / Health | 3 Comments »

 
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